That's intense
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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