That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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