did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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