Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
