dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
