Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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