I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
