I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We had to coat check the pizza.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
