somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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