The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dear god my vagina.
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