My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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