I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
