I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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