Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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