Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
