went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
