i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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