I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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