My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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