I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
