Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize