Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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