the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
