u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize