Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
