I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
