I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
