So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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