so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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