Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
