I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
