he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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