if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
