My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
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Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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