Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
