my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
