when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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