You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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