i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
