She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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