oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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