Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
