The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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