I can text with my tongue
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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