i was born a porn star she said
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
