I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize