i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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