He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
