By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
