Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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