okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
