Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
