I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
