her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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