her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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