i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
