i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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