And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
