Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
