Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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