i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
